'Be unpredictable. Try a finger up the bum': Sex Advice from a Gay Man...
It's dangerous to stereotype gay men but the truth is that many are more in touch with their sexuality and needs than your average straight woman. That's because as women we're often made to feel ashamed for liking certain things or even ASKING a partner for something specific. This is changing and we say HOORAH to that but in the meantime we thought it'd be great to see if there's specific things we can learn along the way.
Dom, thirty-seven, lives in South London and is in a happy long term relationship with his partner. We sat down to dispel some of the myths around gay men and their sexuality and with a view to LEARNING things we could be doing/saying/asking for that might help our own sex lives....
So one thing that people believe is that gay men are much more open about what they want sexually. What do you think straight women can learn on this level?
I do wonder if some women may benefit from being less inhibited and open to more exploration. And whether they broach or initiate the subject of what they want or desire in the same frank way gay men do. I know a few women who don’t or feel they shouldn’t – and I’m like – suggest it! Say it – he might LOVE it.
What specific advice would you offer?
Well excuse my language but I have to say it's all about THE ARSE. A straight couple I know have really started to embrace this and I mean exploring HIS – and it was my pleasure to introduce them to a range of great lubricants and some tips on easing into it gently. NO HE IS NOT GAY – but they are very exploratory and up for trying new things.
So why do you think this works for some straight couples?
Well a switch in role during sex can really revitalize things – top a man every now and then by either mounting him or take it further and try penetrating him – I believe the term is ‘pegging’
Step out side those gender typical roles. Try a finger first maybe when you’re cupping his balls or as you're sucking him off, just tease it in– and tell him to get over himself if he starts making out there’s anything 'gay' about it. There isn’t. It’s a treasure trove of nerve endings and can be nice being played or touched during oral.
What do you think are the three things you've learnt in terms of enjoying sex and achieving better orgasms?
1. To not be scared of - and to get to know my bum!
Like many gay men, I had this inherent fear of anal sex - largely down to gay shame, ideas fed into me as a young man about the "dangers of anal sex" - many myths designed to scare us. Also we were often self-taught from clumsy encounters. I knew friends who avoided it ENTIRELY even with condoms because of complete paranoia and fear in terms of HIV transmission… So I knew nothing about my bum until later on.
During masturbation, be it mutual or solo: to take one another (or myself) to the point of orgasm - the ‘edge’ but then ease back… You can extend the pleasure of sex and last longer and heighten the intensity of the orgasm this way. It’s a great way of intensifying the orgasm when you let it arrive and the height and quantity of your ejaculation itself too.
3. To embrace different scenes and explore role play/scenarios
It's funny you grow up mocking/laughing at a lot of the images depicted of apparent gay "sub cultures" in the gay communities: leather queens, jocks, the rubber scene - but actually its kind of great they are out there showing what’s available in terms of potential fetishes! Vanilla (fairly conservative sex I guess is GREAT – and I love that) BUT there’s a wider range of stuff to see and explore and having been a bit snobby about it for years (gay shame again) I’ve learned to celebrate the variety available and indeed explore it to mix things up a bit.
Those are great tips, thanks! What are the preconceptions about gay sex which people tend to get wrong?
That everyone is regularly having anal sex.
Most people I know aren’t necessarily having this regularly. Some don't at all - for many including me for a whlst it’s never really been on the menu. And so intimacies of other kinds are found and developed. And yet everyone - particularly straight people I find - are so preoccupied with the notion that all gay men are having bum sex. So, it’s a HUGE misconception that a) everyone does it. And b) it’s a huge misconception that those who do it regularly
That there’s a "man one" and a "woman one" in a gay relationship - and therefore in the bedroom. Grrrrrr!
There’s an assumption that there is a top and a bottom in every gay relationship. It’s not always that clear cut. And it certainly doesn’t always follow that such a simplistic kind of stereotypical take goes on in the bedroom. In my experience most guys I know identify as "vers" / "versatile" - enjoy both top and bottom sex. Of course some people may have a preference but its not set in stone and people aren’t defined by the kind of sex they enjoy. And gender role normatives do not come into it. The more dominant partner in a relationship isn’t always the top in the bedroom and vice versa.
What advice would you give to women who are not enjoying their sex lives or feel like it's fallen off the agenda?
Just try and make the time, try and build it in. And try and keep it a priority. Find a time that suits you both and works well and make sure it happens. And every now then just try and be spontaneous. Initiative something saucy out of the blue. I do think sex is increasingly being parked as a non-priority –and it’s a dangerous when it is.
Do you ever do role play? Describe it to us in a bit more detail if you don't mind...
Oh my god - all the time... I love a bit of role play … Referee/footballer… Coach and jock… Millitary… Builders Mate. One of us would often appear in an outfit as an initiator to sex. It would very quickly get us in the mood. It’s important to have intimate sex as yourselves though – and not to get in a habit of hiding behind personas because that can potentially be quite dangerous. But to spice it up –why not. I once had a fella who’d pop around wearing a white coat and stethosocope. He’d pull it all on in the lift on the way up to my floor. And he’d literally be in role as Dr * nameless * from the moment he arrived to the moment he left. At which point I’d piss myself laughing and have to phone a friend…
Finally anything other advice you'd offer our Hotbed readers?
Make time for it. Be prepared to mix it up. Be unpredictable. Surprise him. Try a finger up the bum.