My Hotbed Life with Helen Thorn
Helen Thorn is one half of the fabulous 'Scummy Mummies'. The duo are possibly the funniest, most honest female comedy we've ever witnessed and if you’ve never been to one of their comedy nights then get thee there IMMEDIATELY. We won't spoil the fun but it just feels REALLY good to laugh at the challenges of being a modern parent and not take things so seriously. Quite a bit of wee may come out but that's okay. They also have a podcast which features some great interviewees ranging from - Clemmie Telford, through to The Unmumsy Mum & Jo Elvin. Check it out here: http://www.scummymummies.com/podcast. Helen also does solo-stand up and is a big fan of tight catsuits and turbans.
So we at The Hotbed Collective quizzed her about her ‘Hotbed Life’ and she told us about the erotic allure of a clean worktop, bad sex in sleeping bags and how noisy chewers are a total no no.
First off, how has your sex life changed after kids? What are the challenges?
The biggest challenges are 'getting in the mood' and 'finding the time'. It's hard to feel sexy when you've been covered in yoghurt and banana all day and it's hard to feel horny about your husband when he came home an hour late and forgot to bring the fucking milk. Sex is still important, but it is less important than sleep and Netflix. I am sure my husband would agree.
Any good tips on how to create that sexy feeling when you're both tired and can't be bothered?
The best way to arouse me is to spontaneous clean something, ANYTHING! Seriously, if you told me you wiped the top of the kitchen bin, I would let you stick a finger in any hole.
What is your favourite position and why?
I like them all really - as long as the lights are off and ALL THE DOORS ARE SHUT, if we have finally got around to it - I'm up for anything. But I guess, my desert island bonking spot would be in water! It's so nice and clean and no wet patches afterwards, and no chance of audible fanny farts either.
Great, we kind of like that too, do you ever fancy a Dad in the school playground or out and about?
Of course, I do, I am still human after all. I remember there was a super hot music teacher at the local museum, that made toddler sing-alongs very fun.
It’s pretty normal we feel and what’s the biggest turn off ever?
The biggest turn off is baby talk during foreplay, barffff.... oh and anyone who eats loudly in bed. NO SEX FOR NOISY CHEWERS.
Can you tell us about the worst sex you've ever had and why it was bad?
I once had sex in a sleeping bag - it was really uncomfortable and in the end pretty sticky and smelly. The worst bit was we were outside and I got some bugs in my hair. Don't have sex in the outdoors in Australia. NEVER AGAIN.
And what advice would you give to couples who are struggling in this area? Is it okay to just forget about it for now and put it on the back burner?
I would say concentrate on your relationship first and then the sex will follow. Drinking wine and laughing together is really important, as is watching cat videos on YouTube, actually that's what's REALLY important.
If you could snog one person in the world (apart from your husband) who would it be?
I mean if Kevin McCloud walked into the room right now, I would let him renovate my entire front room.
Thanks lady. We would let him 'renovate our rooms' and 'dip our curtains'... if you know what I mean. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink...*Tries desperately to think of other house renovation phrases that have sexy connotations but fails*