My Top 5 Teenage Crushes
Why is it that the crushes you had in your teens felt more intense? Is it because we don't really get crushes? Or if we do, we're adult enough to know that nothing's going to happen. Back when I was fifteen, it was different, and I truly believed in the power of the crush. I knew the moment I met the object of my dreams, he would fall at my feet and beg me to be his lover.
I had a long, bus journey to and from school and I passed the time creating rich, fantasy lives for me and my crush. I sat there in my jelly bean sandals with bastard perm and spots between my eyes (where I'd shaved my eyebrows off with my Dad's razor) like a complete TWONK. I even imagined the car we'd drive and what country we'd live in.
So here's my top 5 Teen Crushes.
I'm in my forties so apologise if you're reading this and thinking WHO THE F%$K IS THAT JACKASS?!
1. Ben Volpeliere- Pierrot
JESUS I loved this guy! The lead singer in 'Curiosity Killed The Cat', my friends and I once queued for three hours outside Tower Records in Piccadilly Circus so we could get a signed photograph. We went to every single gig. I knew that once we met properly (away from the crowds and screaming teenagers), we would settle down and have kids.
Then a couple of years later I went to the 'Wag Club' in Wardour street and he was INSIDE. He came up and we chatted. I went red and found it hard to speak. He asked me to hold his jacket whilst he went to the toilet. We went outside and chatted some more. The thing is I quickly realised he wasn't the person I'd had in my head (they NEVER are when you've constructed a fantasy), and he probably saw a) how bad my perm really was b) how I was actually a teenager.
Ben - I just want you to know that we would have driven a vintage, white VW Beetle and lived in Primrose Hill. Also my hair is actually okay these days.
2. Nick Kamen
When God was making the world, he started with Adam and Eve, then the fishes, bread and stuff and next he got his finest crafting tools and discovered this stuff called Brylcream in his pencil case and moulded this guy. Seriously. Five stars for God I say.
We never met, but if we had, we would have driven a Cadillac, worn high-waisted Levi's and lived somewhere like New Orleans. Somewhere hot so Nick didn't have to wear a shirt all day. I did go out with a guy for about two weeks (well I say go out but I mean snogged more than once) and he was a fatter version of this guy. I say that with RESPECT - ya hear me Bob? I still respect you!
3. John Taylor
Yes I realise John is a different vintage from these other cheddars (and he looks a bit like Ben Stiller in Zoolander here) but he was LUSH! Duran Duran was a veritable sweet shop of chods *. You can have Simon Stink Bomb and Roger Tinker Tailor and Nick Weirdo and I'll have this one please.
I did actually meet Simon once in Greenwich when he'd been sailing around the world in a posh boat. He had a spot on his chest and bad sunburn. I had a terrible flick and teenage acne. That's life I guess. If we'd got married (and I had actually started planning this when I was about eleven) then we'd have a big American something or other (car brands aren't my forte) and live in a country pad (with an alpaca farm and no I wouldn't invite Yasmin le Bon round- are you crazy? She's freaking GORGEOUS and hasn't aged at all).
* chods is the term we used as teenagers for men who were hunks/gorges/lush. I am not sure it's actually a proper word.
4. Rob Lowe
Three words. St Elmo's Fire. Another three words. I love you. Final three words. 2CV, French-chateau, kids (okay... four).
5. Paul Rutherford
I realise this is a bit of a curve ball but I had no idea that Paul Rutherford of 'Frankie Goes To Hollywood' was actually gay. Instead I noticed hat this guy danced in a sexy way, wore tight leather shorts and a matching vest. I was disappointed when I realised straight men weren't into the whole leather shorts look. I had no idea what the lyrics to RELAX meant, though I thought they sang the phrase - 'when you want to suck to it.' The whole ensemble, the package, the atmosphere was very sexy and made me think that night clubs were full of hedonistic, bonkers people endlessly pleasuring one another. Paul- I'm not sure we would have been happy together but who knows- I think we would have had a few cats maybe? I would have enjoyed watching you in your shorts whilst you pruned the honeysuckle bush.
All these fictional loves, these men, these potentialities. So many bus journeys, so many hormones...so many dreams and hopes.