Help! I'm just not feeling it anymore
So this week we tackle a biggie - it's kind of the reason we kickstarted THE HOTBED COLLECTIVE in the first place...how do we sustain passion in a long term relationship? In the seventh in this series of sex advice, Dr Karen Gurney, @thesexdoctor on Instagram, and director of the Havelock Clinic, answers one reader question...
And if you have a sex problem then write to us here and we'll do our best to give you some ace advice.
Hi Dr Karen, I feel like much of the mystery has gone in my relationship because my partner and I no longer make any effort with one another when we're alone.
Is it even possible to sustain a relationship long term and keep some of that mystery alive?
Love Passionless xx
Dr Karen Gurney says:
I feel like your issue is all too common. Modern day relationships CAN be sustainable but I think sometimes we can expect a bit too much of them without much investment. For example, it can be easy to fall into a pattern of taking each other for granted and expecting each other will always be there/stick around simply because we have a societal leaning towards monogamy and long term unions.
For example, ‘We are married, so I don’t have to try with them anymore, they will always be there’. I sometimes refer to this as ‘giving each other the scraps’, meaning that we might give the most engaging, thoughtful or funniest versions of ourselves to our friends, work colleagues or even our work life and then have little in reserve for our partner.
Although one of the benefits of long term relationships can be allowing yourself to be so relaxed with someone else that you can really be yourself, (and there’s a lot to be said for being able to put on your comfys and not talk to each other if you don’t feel like it), I sometimes think that taking a step back to consider ‘would I talk to a friend like this?’ or ‘would I have done this when we are dating?’ can be a good litmus test to whether there may be times that a bit more investment might be required to balance things out.
So maybe think a bit about about the difference between getting really comfortable and sometimes making more of an effort.
We'll be sharing more tips on how to keep those long term relationships going in future posts so stay tuned. Good luck!
Dr Karen xx