• Dr Karen Gurney

Help I keep having weird fantasies

Sometimes we can fantasise about the strangest things. We might think about a best friend's partner or an ex. We may even fantasise about sex with someone we hate in real life.. But should we worry about this, or is this just natural? In the ninth in this series of sex advice, Dr Karen Gurney, @thesexdoctor on Instagram, and director of the Havelock Clinic, answers one reader question...

And if you have a sex problem then write to us and we'll do our best to give you some super-helpful advice.


I find that I often have weird fantasies that pop into my brain. Sometimes these might be during sex and other times they might just be whilst masturbating. Often these fantasies don't involve my long-term partner. Once whilst we were having sex I fantasised about a friend's husband- they're a couple that I've known for years and we even spent Christmas together last year. It freaked me out to think that I had sexual feelings for this person as I'd never considered it before.

Is this normal?


Dr Karen Gurney says:

First off, fantasies are normal and really good for igniting and connecting us to our sexual desire. Although fantasies are a good indication of what kinds of things turn us on without the constraints of morality, other peoples judgements or social expectation, they should not necessarily be interpreted at face value.

For example, fantasies about force can be representing desires of wanting to be so desirable that the person we are with loses control, or to be free of the usual shackles of our social constraints as women such as having to ‘responsible’ when it comes to sex (see my insta post on a piece we did on this last week).

Also, on a broad scale, research has found that men’s fantasies tend to be more stranger-based, visual and explicit, and women’s fantasies tend to be more focused around being the object of someone’s desires, emotions and feature current or past acquaintances (hence thinking about a friends husband is a common fantasy for women, less related to the friends husband and more related to preferred fantasy style).

Around 86% of people in relationships fantasise about people other than their partner, and the longer you’ve been together the more likely this is.

So don't worry too much!

Dr Karen x

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