I was unexpectedly thrown into the world of single Motherhood during pregnancy. My long term partner found the lure of his female colleague to be stronger than the lure of supporting me through my morning sickness and so he upped and left to enjoy a hedonistic affair whilst I remained in the home that we had shared ‘enjoying’ my developing stretchmarks and piles.
After the dust settled from the tornado of the first year, I decided to delve back into the world of men. I joined a dating site shortly after my son came off the boob (and not sooner, because breastfeeding and dating are a dreadful mix). I was naïve though, and there were hurdles to face beyond leaking and engorged breasts that I wish I had considered more carefully before I threw myself out there fanny first.
Some men will see your children as baggage – if you are online dating then I wouldn’t state the fact that you have children in your profile, sadly there are some vile people out there who purposely target single Mothers for reasons that are far too sinister to discuss here. It’s just not worth the risk. But it is important to tell anyone who you start talking to that you have kids, if you are looking for more than just a casual fling.
Some men will be put off by it and it’s hard not to take that personally. Remember that he’s not actually cussing YOUR kids, it’s just not his thing and that’s fine, think about how you might have felt about dating a man with children before you became a Mum.
Your children will literally cock block you – dating is extremely difficult once you are a Mother because you have to say things like ‘I’ll have to check with my Mum first,’ before scheduling a date. Your availability is completely dependent on whether the babysitter is free and no plan is ever a completely solid one. Spontaneity goes completely out of the window and impromptu naughty weekends away are not going to happen for at least another 15 years.
Meticulously planned weekends confirmed way in advance are also liable to get blown out the water at the last minute because of chicken pox or whatever. It’s important to choose a man who is able to cope with that and who will not become frustrated by the fact that he will never be your first priority. DILFs are good for this.
Online dating is brutal - I jumped on to it before I was ready, I didn’t love myself and my post-baby body enough to have been putting myself out into what can be a harsh and cruel world. One of the first men that I was brave enough to message was absolutely gorgeous, my friends had been telling me not to be so hard on myself and to just get out there, what’s the worst that can happen. Him replying: ‘Are you having a laugh? You’re punching well above your weight’ was pretty much it. That really fucked me up, but it motivated me to lose the last bit of baby weight and to search for ways to love my naked body again.
I’m confident enough in myself now to know that the guy who sent the nasty message was an utter dickhead and that I had a lucky escape.
Most of us feel a bit shitty about our naked Mummy bodies – apart from the really lucky ones, but we shouldn’t. Many of us will experience significant changes once we have kids, looser tummies, saggier boobs, dirty great c-sections scars across the top of your pubic region….. the pregnancy body massacre list goes on. No matter how much love we feel for our bodies for producing our beautiful bundles of baggage, it’s hard not to feel panicky about being naked in front of someone who is not their Father.
But if there is one thing that I am completely sure of it is this, if you are dating a good man (not a Fuckboy), and he likes you and knows that your body has produced a child/children then he already knows that you are unlikely to be perfect under your clothes (he has definitely imagined you naked) and he does not care. He is into you and so your wrinkled stomach will be sexy to him.
There is nothing sexier to a man than a confident woman who does not give a shit about any of her flaws so if you don’t give a shit then he won’t either.
So embrace your inner MILF and get out there, but not until you are ready to do it with a tough and confident mind set and a promise to yourself that you will reserve your precious child free time and vagina for decent blokes.
For more musings on dating and 'fuckboys' follow @lalalaletmeexplain and check out her blog at: www.lalalaletmeexplain.com