(Fantasy animation provided by the fabulous @roundpopkatshouse)
I am going to be totally honest straight off the bat and say that I didn't really like 'Footloose' when it came out. It was 1984 and I had a bad perm, spots where I'd shaved my eyebrows off and jelly bean sandals. So I'm pretty sure that you wouldn't have been interested in me either. Besides back then I fantasised about John Taylor from 'Duran Duran' and even Annie Lennox for a while. I remember telling a girl at school about that, and she made my life a misery by telling everyone I loved girls (nothing wrong with that of course but in a girl's school things can get silly). But that's by the by.
The eighties, nineties, noughties have all passed and we're both older and wiser yes?
I feel bad as I flattened my hair out, got a boyfriend and moved to Amsterdam and you weren't even on my radar. To be frank nothing was on my radar except myself and whether I was going to conquer the dance music scene (I don't know if you're into Dutch house music but I had a couple of hits back then. Did you ever go raving in Rotterdam?) Never mind I doubt I'd remember you even if you did. Anyway, I just Googled your filmography five minutes ago and realised I haven't seen many of your major works at all. You probably aren't aware of my work either so that kind of makes us quits and I can get on with the meat of my tale.
Earlier this year something CHANGED. That something was the Netflix series 'I LOVE DICK'. In the series - as you know of course- the main character Chris develops a huge crush on your character DICK and dedicates long poems and odes that she then pastes up all over town. And that's what changed. My feelings for you...you see up until that point I'd slagged you off on the EE adverts and thought you were just another chancer. But Mr Bacon, Kevin, I watched the first episodes and I was blown away. I know you're not DICK as he's portrayed in the series and I appreciate that you're now possibly backing away towards the door but I just wanted to say...I think you're really hot.
In my mind you're tied up with all those ideas of handsome cowboys - mysterious men on horseback who never actually talk but just swagger about. Men who grunt and make a gesture at the bar and the barmaid knows exactly what they want because they go there every evening. Men who can snap the top of a beer with their teeth and not have to go to hospital. Tough men who can make fire with some pieces of wood and little else. Men who wear belts and high waisted jeans and don't make you laugh really hard. Men who can catch a rabbit with their bare hands and will barbecue it but then release it because you actually love rabbits and don't want to eat one right now okay? I'm a feminist and yet I do like the CONCEPT of a cowboy. I like the concept of you.
I am in a happy relationship now and I know you are also happy in yours but if I ever see you I will hand you this letter and hope you will keep it.
Love Anniki x
P.S. When is the second series of 'I LOVE DICK' starting?
Are you really repelled by the character Chris or are you just acting mean to keep her keen?
Do cowboys usually wear pants under their jeans?