As parents you know sex either involves impeccable timing, careful planning or don't-make-a-sound non-fun! None of them are mind blowing, to say the least. But also add in a partner that often throws in a good fart too for good measure, then all romance is officially dead!
I often feel like I'm looking after two kids but what happened this particular night took the biscuit.
Picture this (and no not us naked, as that would be gross)...no instead picture us laying down in bed finally getting some grown up time, shall we say, and Simon (yes, that's his name) looks in pain! Well, half of me is concerned and half annoyed that this is eating into our adult only time, as Jake could wake up at any minute and I need precious sleep! Sex is never good when you always have one eye on the bedside clock (I said CLOCK!). It's a sad life when you have to choose between sleep or sex.
Then this came next.
‘What is wrong with you?’ I ask ever so concerned and loving….
‘Ya gonna have to burp me!’
Yes. You did read correctly.
And, you’ve re-read it too, haven’t you?
Don’t worry it was my reaction too.
Now, I am either sleep deprived, in baby madness world or I am gagging for it but whatever it was I proceeded to burp him. Simon was sitting up in bed and I was rubbing his back! Not best pleased but still doing it. Till I heard the words... ‘No, harder and faster!’
Now, if we were making a porn film or even just having sex then yes, you might of course hear this from ME but as I am simply rubbing his back then I am ready to hit him HARD. I kept going, taking out all my frustration on him and I heard- ‘I’m getting close!’ Well I’m pleased someone bloody is!
He is done.
‘Oh, that’s much better, thanks. OK let’s go!’
‘Let’s go? I am bloody knackered now thanks and I have arm ache (for all the wrong reasons.) Fine, you owe me so I will just lay back…’
Brilliant! Jake is up again, no sex and I have arm ache!
The joys of being a parent – sleep deprived and always frustrated. No one wants to see a sexually frustrated woman rocking a baby back to sleep and chances are the poor thing will end up out the window, from me rocking him too hard!
Then the moment comes that all men dread hearing from their beloved partner - ‘The moment's gone now anyway!’
Till next time.
Who ever said being a parent isn't damn sexy?
(Image source; http://www.lovethispic.com/image/19368/a-lover%27s-embrace)